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by Eric Englund
Did you
know that it is against the law to pump your own gas in Oregon?
For those who live in the Peoples Republic of Oregon, we have
to suffer the indignity of being treated like absolute mental
incompetents every time we need to fuel up our automobiles.
This "no-self-serve" law was passed in 1951 and
should have been repealed long ago.
Although
there are many lame excuses as to why this law is still in
force, anyone with half-a-brain understands that it is a make-work
law forcing gas station owners to hire the barely-employable
or those who are just breaking into the work force. And these
pump-jockeys, as far as Oregon’s lawmakers are concerned,
keep us idiot-citizens from harming ourselves, others, and
mother nature herself. Indeed, you may detect a bit of an
edge to this essay and I’ll explain why soon. However, my
primary objective is to propose dozens of new laws – which
are currently in force within various locales in the United
States – that will transform the State of Oregon into a paradise
for Boobus Americanus. For Oregonians, as reflected in this
state’s left-wing voting pattern, yearn for assistance, guidance,
and prodding from our beloved nanny-state.
In 1951,
when the Oregon legislature made it illegal to pump gasoline
into one’s own automobile, it was believed that foolish individuals
would mishandle gasoline and cause severe accidents – at least
that’s the story Oregon legislators fed to the public back
then. Over the years, it has become clear that this fear was
misplaced as people the world over have managed to fuel up
their own automobiles without incinerating themselves or their
cars – to be sure, a one-in-a-billion accident occurs now
and then, but nothing in life is absolutely safe. In spite
of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Oregon’s state officials
continue to back the self-serve ban for baseless reasons (shown
below) that reveal the intellectual horsepower of these do-gooder
fascists:
- Oregon's
Department of Environmental Quality supports the ban on
self-service gasoline due to inexperienced pumpers being
a significant source of groundwater and air pollution.
- Oregon's
state fire marshall supports the ban on self-service gasoline
due to the possibility of having one incinerate himself,
his car, and/or others.
- Law
enforcement officials support the law as it prevents gasoline
thefts called "drive-offs."
- In
states besides Oregon and New Jersey (which also has a no-self-serve
law), many gas station owners ignore the requirements outlined
in the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) as they do
not provide a full-service option for disabled drivers,
nor provide those services at self-service rates. Hence,
disabled drivers in Oregon benefit from the self-serve ban.
It is
a wonder that airplane travel hasn’t been banned in Oregon.
Just think of it, worldwide more people are killed each year
in airplane crashes than in self-service gas station mishaps.
When a plane crashes, a forest fire may ensue – thereby killing
hundreds of innocent trees. To make things worse, a plane
that crashes may leak fuel and pollute the ground water…and
don’t get me started on airplane exhaust emissions with all
that flying around and spreading of greenhouse gases. Additionally,
when was the last time you saw a pilot in a wheelchair or
with a white cane? Airplane cockpits, obviously, haven’t yet
been made ADA compliant. Yes, the time has come to ban airplane
travel in Oregon for it is much too dangerous and unfair to
the differently-abled.
You may
ask what got me started on this rant. During one of my recent
trips to a gas station, the pump-jockey was a bit overwhelmed
by the fact that six cars arrived at nearly the same time
seeking to purchase fuel. This well-tattooed, pierced, pasty-skinned,
and emaciated attendant (all the hallmarks of a meth addict)
was hustling around attempting to service each car as rapidly
as possible. In this man’s haste, he failed to securely close
my SUV’s gas cap once my gas tank had been filled. This may
not sound like a big deal, but it was.
After
a few days of regular commuting, something happened that caused
my heart to race, my palms to sweat, and my head to swim.
As I was driving home from work, the SERVICE
ENGINE SOON malfunction-indicator light flashed on
and stayed on. The first thought that came to mind was to
pull over and look under the hood. However, the word SOON
comforted me enough to finish my commute home – where I would
immediately seek information in my SUV’s owner’s manual. All
the while, I am worried that a huge auto repair bill is looming
in the near future. To say the least, I was not in a happy
state of mind.
As I
read about the aforementioned malfunction indicator, I was
pleased to read the following passage: "Although your
vehicle will usually be drivable and not need towing, have
the system checked as soon as possible." Thus, I drove
home safely. As I continued reading, unfortunately, my concern
grew deeper. Then I reached the last paragraph and made a
surprising discovery – this is the exact verbiage from the
owner’s manual:
If
the fuel tank filler tube cap is not securely closed, the
light may come on. Make sure you tighten this cap every
time you add fuel. (Turn the fuel tank filler tube cap clockwise
until you hear clicking sounds.)
After
reading this passage, I hustled over to my car and checked
the gas cap. It was not securely closed! That meth-head, pump-jockey
failed to complete this simple task. Without delay, I turned
the gas cap until I heard clicking sounds and was confident
that I had discovered and solved the problem. Indeed, after
a couple days of commuting to and from work, this indicator
light turned off and has stayed off ever since. Problem, brought
about by an imbecilic Oregon law, solved.
Perhaps
I’m being a bit hard on Oregon’s lawmakers and state officials.
For if I had been wearing a blindfold while driving, I would
have never seen the warning indicator that brought me so much
stress…and what if there really was a serious problem? Or
worse yet, what if a moose had been pushed out of an airplane
and landed in front of my SUV while I was driving blindfolded?
My reckless use of blindfolds might have caused me to hit
a skydiving moose with my SUV. Ah, but now I would have roadkill
that could be taken home to eat for dinner. Uh oh, suddenly
I am hit with nagging questions as to the legality of driving
blindfolded and eating roadkill. Even more importantly, what
if my blindfold happened to be red? Would this make the matter
more serious for me? Thankfully, we have laws (throughout
the U.S.) which Oregon’s legislators can adopt in order to
bring better clarity, order, and security to me and all of
my fellow Oregonians. Therefore, I move that the Oregon State
Legislature immediately adopt every one of the following laws
– and I’m not making these
up:
- Alabama
– it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating
a vehicle.
- Alaska
– it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of
a moving airplane.
- Arizona
– any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is
considered a felony.
- Arizona
– when being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may
only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other
person possesses.
- Augusta,
Maine – to stroll down the street playing a violin is against
the law.
- Baltimore,
Maryland – it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.
- Baltimore,
Maryland – it is a violation of city code to sell chicks
or ducklings to a minor within one week of the Easter holiday.
- Barber,
North Carolina – fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
- Bexley,
Ohio – the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses
is prohibited.
- Boise,
Idaho – residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.
- Chicago,
Illinois – it is forbidden to eat in a place that is on
fire.
- Chico,
California – detonating a nuclear device within the city
limits results in a $500 fine.
- Everett,
Washington – it is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly
hypnotized person in a store window.
- Fargo,
North Dakota – one may be jailed for wearing a hat while
dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing
is taking place.
- Georgia
– it is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body
which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office.
- Klamath
Falls, Oregon – it is illegal to walk down a sidewalk and
knock a snakes head off with your cane.
- La
Crosse, Wisconsin – you may not worry a squirrel.
- Memphis,
Tennessee – it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.
It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie
must be eaten on the premises.
- Milwaukee,
Wisconsin – it is against the law to play a flute and drums
on the streets to attract attention.
- Minnesota
– a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his
head.
- Montana
– it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck
without a chaperone.
- Nebraska
– it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they
are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
- New
Hampshire – you cannot sell the clothes you are wearing
to pay off a gambling debt.
- Oklahoma
– it is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in
your boots.
- Pennsylvania
– ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when
either the bride or groom is drunk.
- Rhode
Island – any marriage where either of the parties is an
idiot or lunatic is null and void.
- San
Francisco, California – it is illegal to pile horse manure
more than six feet high on a street corner.
- Seattle,
Washington – you may not carry a concealed weapon that is
over six feet in length.
- Tennessee
– driving is not to be done while asleep.
- Trout
Creek, Utah – pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure
headaches.
- Vermont
– women must obtain written permission from their husbands
to wear false teeth.
- Washington
– it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions
to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police
as he is entering the town.
- West
Virginia – roadkill may be taken home for supper.
- Wilbur,
Washington – you may not ride an ugly horse.
Upon
Oregon’s adoption of the Rhode Island law in which "any
marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic
is null and void" then every Oregon legislator’s marriage
will be summarily nullified. If we do, via referendum, make
it illegal for a legislator to live in sin (with the penalty
of deportation), we’ll soon be rid of these busybody-buffoons.
Now we’re talking paradise…
February
22, 2006
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